Healing Shared Trauma as a Couple
When trauma strikes a couple together (the death of a child, a devastating miscarriage, a sudden loss that shatters both your worlds), it doesn't just wound each of you individually. It creates a third entity: the shared grief that lives between you, in the silences at dinner, in the way you can't quite meet each other's eyes, in the bedroom that's become a minefield of triggers and unspoken pain.
I've spent over twenty years working with couples navigating these collective wounds, and I can tell you this: shared trauma requires a different kind of healing than individual trauma. It needs approaches that can hold both partners simultaneously while honoring the unique passage each person must walk through grief. At Canyon Passages, I specialize in guiding couples through these dark territories using depth-oriented modalities that go beyond traditional talk therapy. I combine EMDR therapy, ketamine-assisted psychotherapy, psilocybin-assisted therapy, and evidence-based couples frameworks to help partners not just survive their shared pain, but transform it into deeper connection.
Understanding Shared Trauma: When Grief Becomes Collective
Shared trauma occurs when two people experience the same traumatic event or loss together. Unlike individual trauma, where one partner supports the other through their pain, shared trauma means you're both drowning simultaneously. And the person you'd normally reach for is barely treading water themselves.
The most profound shared traumas I work with in my Santa Fe, Sedona, and Pagosa Springs locations include the loss of a child, pregnancy loss or infertility struggles, witnessing a traumatic event together, caring for a dying parent, surviving a natural disaster or accident, and betrayal trauma that shakes the foundation of trust. Each of these creates what I call a "collective wound": damage to the relationship system itself, not just to the individuals within it.
What makes shared trauma so complex is that grief doesn't follow a synchronized schedule. One partner may be ready to talk when the other needs silence. One may seek connection through physical intimacy while the other can't bear to be touched. You're both changed, but you're changing at different paces and in different directions, and suddenly the person who knew you best feels like a stranger.
The Unique Challenge: Two Trauma Responses, One Relationship
When I first meet with couples dealing with shared trauma, I often see a devastating pattern: each partner is so consumed by their own survival mechanisms that they can't access empathy for the other's experience. The person using avoidance to cope judges the partner who can't stop talking about the loss. The partner who's angry all the time can't understand why the other seems numb and disconnected.
This isn't failure. It's neurobiology. Trauma activates our most primitive survival responses, and when you're in fight-flight-freeze mode, your brain literally doesn't have the resources for relational attunement. You're both running different trauma software, and the relationship crashes in the incompatibility.
I see this play out in specific ways. Some couples develop what I call "parallel grieving": you're technically together but emotionally isolated, each processing alone while sharing the same space. Others get caught in "grief competition," unconsciously comparing whose pain is worse, who's handling it better, who has the right to fall apart. Still others fall into "designated roles": one becomes the strong one while the other gets to collapse, creating an unsustainable dynamic that builds resentment on both sides.
The loss of a child deserves particular attention because it's one of the most devastating shared traumas a couple can face. Research shows that the death of a child puts enormous strain on relationships, not because the love wasn't strong enough, but because the grief is so overwhelming that it consumes the resources needed for connection. Parents often grieve differently based on attachment styles, gender socialization, and individual trauma histories, creating painful disconnection at the moment when connection is most needed.
Why Traditional Approaches Often Fall Short
If you're reading this, you've probably already tried something. Maybe you went to a few sessions with a couples therapist who meant well but seemed to offer surface strategies: better communication, scheduled date nights, conflict resolution techniques. And maybe those things helped a little, or maybe they felt wildly inadequate for the depth of what you're experiencing.
Traditional couples therapy often approaches shared trauma the same way it approaches relationship conflict: as a problem to be solved through better skills and understanding. But shared trauma isn't a problem to solve. It's a passage to move through. It requires going into the pain, not around it. It needs transformation, not just management.
This is where depth-oriented trauma therapy makes all the difference. Modalities like EMDR for couples, Internal Family Systems work, and psychedelic-assisted therapy can access the somatic and unconscious layers where trauma actually lives. Not just in your thoughts and communication patterns, but in your nervous systems, in the protective parts of your psyche that formed in response to unbearable pain, in the body memories that trigger before conscious thought even kicks in.
EMDR Therapy for Couples: Processing Trauma While Strengthening Connection
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing has a strong evidence base for individual trauma, but I've also trained extensively in using EMDR with couples experiencing shared wounds. As an EMDR consultant, I've developed approaches that allow both partners to process their trauma while simultaneously building relational resilience.
In couples EMDR work, I might guide one partner through processing a traumatic memory while the other witnesses and provides grounding support. This creates a profound experience. The processing partner gets to do deep trauma work while feeling held by their beloved, and the witnessing partner gets to be helpful in their partner's healing rather than helpless in the face of their pain. Over time, we alternate who's processing and who's witnessing.
What makes EMDR particularly powerful for shared trauma is that it doesn't require you to talk extensively about the details. The bilateral stimulation helps your brain reprocess the traumatic memory adaptively, reducing its emotional charge and helping you integrate it differently. This is crucial when talking about the loss feels impossible or retraumatizing.
I also use EMDR to process the relationship ruptures that trauma created. When shared trauma damages trust or creates painful disconnection, we can target specific memories of those ruptures and help your nervous systems release the defensive responses that keep you stuck in patterns of withdrawal or conflict.
Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy: Expanded States for Collective Healing
Here's where my work becomes truly distinctive. I'm one of the few therapists offering both psilocybin-assisted therapy and ketamine-assisted psychotherapy specifically designed for couples working through shared trauma and grief. This isn't about recreational use or escaping pain. It's about using these medicines in a therapeutic container to access states of consciousness that can facilitate profound healing and reconnection.
Psychedelic medicines, when used properly in a therapeutic setting, can temporarily dissolve the defensive barriers that trauma creates. They can help you access compassion for yourself and your partner, see your shared experience from new perspectives, and touch the love that's been buried under layers of pain and protection. For couples dealing with the loss of a child or other devastating grief, these expanded states can sometimes allow contact with spiritual dimensions of the loss: meaning-making that goes beyond psychological processing.
In my practice, psychedelic-assisted couples therapy involves extensive preparation sessions where we build safety, clarify intentions, and ensure both partners are ready for the work. The medicine sessions themselves are carefully held experiences where you journey together in the same room, with me present to provide guidance and support. Then we do multiple integration sessions afterward to help you translate the insights and experiences into your daily relationship.
Ketamine-assisted psychotherapy offers particular benefits for couples because the sessions are shorter and the medicine is legal and well-researched for treatment-resistant depression and trauma. Many couples I work with in Santa Fe, Sedona, and Pagosa Springs start with ketamine therapy as an entry point before potentially exploring psilocybin work as laws and regulations evolve.
The combination of psychedelic therapy with trauma-focused work and couples frameworks creates something I haven't seen anywhere else: a truly holistic approach that addresses the individual nervous systems, the collective wound, and the relational field all at once.
Internal Family Systems and Gottman Method: Frameworks for Understanding
I integrate two powerful frameworks into my couples work: Internal Family Systems and the Gottman Method. These aren't just theories. They're practical maps for navigating the territory of shared trauma.
Internal Family Systems helps couples understand that the parts of you showing up in conflict aren't your whole self. The part that shuts down when your partner mentions the baby isn't trying to be cold. It's a protector part trying to shield you from pain. The part that criticizes your partner's grieving process isn't mean-spirited. It's frightened and trying to maintain control. When both partners can recognize and communicate from their parts rather than becoming them, compassion returns.
The Gottman Method provides research-based understanding of what makes relationships resilient in the face of trauma. I use Gottman assessment tools to understand your relationship strengths and vulnerabilities, then apply specific interventions to rebuild trust, manage conflict productively, and deepen friendship and intimacy even while you're grieving. The Gottman approach to perpetual problems is particularly useful: some of the pain from shared trauma may never fully resolve, and learning to dialogue with it rather than solve it becomes essential.
What Healing Actually Looks Like: Beyond Closure to Integration
I need to be honest with you about something: healing from shared trauma doesn't mean the pain goes away. The couples I work with who find their way through these collective wounds don't "get over" their loss or "move on" from their trauma. Instead, they learn to integrate it: to create a relationship that has room for both the grief and the joy, both the wound and the love.
Integration means you can hold your child's memory while also making love to your partner. It means you can acknowledge the anniversary of your loss without it destroying the whole week. It means the trauma becomes part of your story together rather than the only story you have.
The couples who do this deep work often tell me something surprising: the shared trauma, as devastating as it was, ultimately deepened their relationship in ways they never expected. Not because suffering is noble or pain makes you stronger (that's toxic positivity nonsense). But because moving through this passage together required them to become more honest, more vulnerable, and more committed than they'd ever been before.
The Intake Process: What to Expect When You Reach Out
When couples contact me about working together on shared trauma, I start with a fit call: a conversation to understand what brought you to this moment and whether Canyon Passages is the right container for your healing. I'm not the right therapist for everyone, and shared trauma work requires both partners to be genuinely ready for depth-oriented approaches.
If we're a good match, you'll complete intake paperwork including trauma history, relationship assessment, and specific screenings for psychedelic-assisted therapy if that's part of your path. These aren't just bureaucratic forms. They help me understand your unique situation and design an approach tailored to your needs.
Your first session is typically ninety minutes. We'll explore your individual and collective trauma histories, identify your goals for the work, and begin creating what I call your "passage framework": a roadmap for the journey ahead. This isn't a rigid treatment plan with predetermined outcomes, but a flexible structure that honors where you are and where you want to go.
For couples interested in psychedelic-assisted therapy, the framework usually includes preparation sessions to build safety and set intentions, the medicine session itself, and integration sessions to weave the insights into your daily life. For those focusing on EMDR or traditional therapy approaches, we create a rhythm that allows for both individual processing and couples work.
Location and Accessibility: Serving Santa Fe, Sedona, and Pagosa Springs
Canyon Passages maintains offices in three locations chosen specifically for their healing qualities: Santa Fe, New Mexico; Sedona, Arizona; and Pagosa Springs, Colorado. Each location offers something unique. Santa Fe's rich tradition of healing arts and spiritual practice, Sedona's stunning natural beauty and energetic landscape, and Pagosa Springs' hot springs and mountain sanctuary setting.
I also offer online sessions for couples who can't easily access these locations or who prefer the privacy and convenience of video therapy. The depth work we do translates beautifully to virtual sessions, though psychedelic-assisted therapy requires in-person attendance for safety and legal reasons.
Many couples choose to make their therapy an intentional retreat: coming to Sedona or Pagosa Springs for intensive work over a few days, using the location itself as part of the healing container. There's something powerful about removing yourselves from the environment where your trauma occurred and entering a space held specifically for transformation.
Why Boutique Matters: The Canyon Passages Difference
You'll notice I don't run a large group practice with multiple therapists. Canyon Passages is intentionally small: just me, bringing twenty years of clinical experience, EMDR consultant training, clinical sexologist credentials, and shamanic practice background to every session. When you work with me, you get the full depth of my expertise and presence, not a rotating cast of associates or a standardized protocol.
This boutique approach means I can truly personalize your care. I'm not trying to fit your unique grief into a manualized treatment model. Instead, I'm drawing from diverse modalities and my own clinical intuition to create an approach that fits you: your trauma history, your attachment patterns, your spiritual beliefs, your relationship dynamics, your readiness for different kinds of work.
It also means I work with a smaller number of couples at any given time, which allows me to be genuinely invested in your healing. I don't have a waiting room full of people cycling through fifty-minute sessions. I have the space and attention to hold your complexity, to remember the details of your story, to be present with the depth of what you're carrying.
Who This Work Is For: Are You Ready?
The couples who do best in my practice tend to share certain qualities. You've usually already tried conventional approaches (traditional couples therapy, individual therapy, self-help books, support groups) and found them helpful but insufficient. You're looking for transformation, not just symptom management. You're ready to go into the pain rather than around it.
You're also likely high-achieving people who are used to being successful at things, which makes the helplessness of shared trauma especially destabilizing. You value both clinical credibility and spiritual depth. You want a therapist who understands trauma neurobiology and can also hold sacred space for the mystery of grief and healing.
You're willing to invest in your healing, not just financially (though depth work does require commitment), but emotionally and temporally. You're ready to show up consistently, to do the hard work between sessions, to be uncomfortable in service of transformation. You understand that healing isn't linear and you're willing to trust the process even when it feels uncertain.
If you're curious about psychedelic-assisted therapy, you're open to expanded states of consciousness as a healing modality. You might have some experience with these medicines, or you might be completely new but intuitively drawn to the possibility. Either way, you're willing to approach them with reverence and intention rather than seeking escape or quick fixes.
Common Questions About Couples Trauma Therapy
How long does this work take?
Shared trauma healing isn't a six-session process. Most couples I work with commit to at least three to six months of regular sessions, and many continue for a year or more. The depth of healing requires time: time to build safety, process trauma, integrate new patterns, and stabilize the changes you're making.
Do we always have sessions together or do you see us individually too?
I use a flexible approach based on your needs. Sometimes we work together in couples sessions. Other times, one partner needs individual EMDR processing or preparation work. For psychedelic-assisted therapy, I often do individual prep sessions before we come together for the medicine journey. The rhythm emerges organically based on what serves your healing.
What if one partner is more ready for this work than the other?
That's common and something we address in the fit call. Both partners need to be willing to engage, but you don't have to be at identical places in your readiness. Part of my role is helping you find a pace that honors both people's needs and capacity.
Is this covered by insurance?
No, I don't work with insurance companies. This allows me to provide truly personalized care without the limitations of managed care systems. For specific information about investment in your healing, I encourage you to reach out directly so we can discuss what makes sense for your situation.
What if we're not sure we want to stay together?
Many couples arrive uncertain about their relationship's future. That's okay. Sometimes healing shared trauma clarifies that you want different paths. Other times, it reveals that the love is still there under the pain. My role isn't to push you toward staying together or separating, but to help you make that decision from a place of healing rather than reactivity.
The Invitation: Stop Surviving Your Trauma, Start Transforming It
If you've read this far, something probably resonated. Maybe you recognized your own experience in these words: the parallel grieving, the desperate feeling of losing each other while grieving together, the sense that conventional therapy hasn't touched the depth of what you're experiencing.
You've tried everything else. You've been strong enough, patient enough, understanding enough. You've read the books and practiced the communication skills and tried to be there for each other. And still, the pain persists. Still, you can't quite reach each other across the chasm that trauma created.
What if the problem isn't that you're not trying hard enough, but that you need a different kind of approach entirely? What if healing shared trauma requires going deeper than skills and strategies: into the somatic, the unconscious, the spiritual dimensions of your grief?
At Canyon Passages, I offer that depth. Not as a promise that the pain will disappear, but as a passage through it, together. Using EMDR therapy, psychedelic-assisted therapy, Internal Family Systems, and Gottman Method approaches, I guide couples through the dark territories of shared trauma toward integration, meaning-making, and renewed connection.
Your shared wound doesn't have to be the end of your story. It can be the passage that transforms you both.
Ready to Begin? Here's How to Take the First Step
If you're ready to explore healing your shared trauma through depth-oriented couples therapy in Santa Fe, Sedona, or Pagosa Springs, I invite you to reach out. You can contact me through the Canyon Passages website to schedule a fit call: a no-pressure conversation about what you're experiencing and whether this approach might serve your healing.
During that call, we'll discuss your specific situation, answer any questions you have about the modalities I use, and determine together whether we're a good match for this profound work. You'll get a sense of my approach and presence, and I'll get to understand what brought you to this moment.
Whether you ultimately work with me or not, please know this: healing from shared trauma is possible. The couples who find their way through these collective wounds don't minimize their pain or "get over" their loss. Instead, they integrate it, creating a relationship that has room for both grief and love, both wound and wholeness. They discover that the passage through shared trauma, as devastating as it is, can ultimately deepen their connection in ways they never imagined.
You don't have to walk this passage alone, and you don't have to keep trying the same approaches that haven't worked. Transformation is possible when you're willing to go deep enough.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Canyon Passages offers specialized trauma therapy for individuals and couples in Santa Fe, New Mexico; Sedona, Arizona; and Pagosa Springs, Colorado, with online sessions available. Services include EMDR therapy, ketamine-assisted psychotherapy, psilocybin-assisted therapy, and couples counseling using Gottman Method and Internal Family Systems approaches. To learn about working together on healing shared trauma and grief, contact Canyon Passages to schedule a consultation.
